Grown Men Discussion

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ID:1983853
 
Nov 16 2015, 5:01 pm
As you all know, Grandpa Empirez ain't gettin no younger. At the prehistoric age of 22, I can confirm with 86% certainty I have acquired my first hemorrhoid. If you don't know what hemorrhoids are, imagine Justin Bieber spending a few weeks in a prison. Now, imagine what his butt would feel like after those weeks. That's what a hemorrhoid is.

It's actually funny because I absolutely can't tell my Dad about this. The reason being, back when I was a kid, I would always troll my Dad by sneaking Preparation H into his shopping cart whenever we went to Wal-Mart. Sometimes he wouldn't notice I had done this, and would get home, empty the bags and realize that he had purchased Preparation H and be like "WTF? HOW DID PREPARATION H GET IN HERE?"



This is what I called my double-intensity humiliation technique. Not only did I outplay my father by manipulating his sub-conscious into purchasing Preparation H, but my second victory is causing the cashier to see the Preparation H and immediately assume my Dad had hemorrhoids. This effectively applied an extra layer of embarrassment.

However, I can never let my Dad find out I actually need to purchase Preparation H, because I'll never hear the end of it. Like seriously, I can already predict his reaction. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET, YOU LITTLE DIPSHIT. REMEMBER ALL THOSE TIMES YOU SNEAKED PREPARATION H INTO MY CART AT WALMART? IT'S COME BACK TO BITE YOU NOW. ENJOY THE HEMORRHOIDS, LOVE EVERY GOD DAMN SECOND OF THEM."

Luckily, we have this invention called the "internet" which allows me to look up alternatives to PH, one of which is the insides of a banana peel. This is perfect because I already buy bananas, so me going to the store to grab some more isn't going to raise any red flags. With my right hand, I'll insert the banana into my mouth and eat it. With my left hand, I will... MAKE A PASTE INVOLVING BANANA PEEL INSIDES AND PETROLEUM JELLY AND SMEAR IT ONTO MY ANUS. And he'll never suspect a single thing.

My main concern at this point is that after Googling hemorrhoids, it said they can last a "lifetime". However the hemorrhoid I have doesn't appear to be massive or anything and it's actually not really painful so I'm assuming I have like, a minor hemorrhoid that should go away within a few days? Hopefully? Also I'm going to have to change my eating habits. Turns out eating fast food everyday is not good for the digestive system. Never would've guessed.
Nov 16 2015, 5:04 pm
Isn't that more of a diet thing than an age thing?
Nov 16 2015, 5:06 pm
Hah
Nov 16 2015, 5:07 pm
Just tell him, if he happens to get angry, play it cool and pretend you were just kidding and hit him with "No need to be so butthurt about it". Win win situation.
Nov 16 2015, 5:09 pm (Edited on Nov 16 2015, 5:14 pm)
In response to Lugia319
Lugia319 wrote:
Isn't that more of a diet thing than an age thing?

It's a combination of both apparently. If you Google it and click "more about this condition", it shows that most of the people affected are ages 19-60. 18 and under have less. My diet has always been pretty bad, so if it was purely a diet thing I should've had this issue a long time ago. I was suffering from constipation back when I was in elementary school. I could go over a week without taking a shit, true story.

Also, another hilarious thing about the timing of this hemorrhoid is that this week I actually started eating better. Like, I ate a salad for dinner yesterday. I was eating things like an apple, banana and peanuts for breakfast. I was drinking more water and orange juice instead of sodas and crap. I ate celery, rice, and fish instead of pizza, fried chicken and hamburgers. Stupid body breaks down the moment I start giving it what it apparently needs. Maybe if I go back to eating processed meat, my body will go back to being in perfect shape.
Nov 17 2015, 6:03 am
Update.

I walked over to Rite Aid today. I was hoping the cashier would be male but of course it's a female. I smile and nod and act casual and pretend I'm totally not there to buy butt cream and head over to the aisle with creams and crap.

I thought to myself "what's the best way she won't notice I'm buying Preparation H?" Then, it hit me! Simply don't buy Preparation H! Get the generic brand and hope she doesn't read the "hemorrhoid relief cream" words in large bold letters on the carton. I grab Rite Aid's knockoff brand, and then realized I would probably need one more item. If I was to purchase one item, 100% of her focus and attention would be on that single item and she would surely see what I was buying. So I grabbed some Tums as well just to keep her brain busy on something other than the butt cream.

I approach the counter. We make eye contact for a brief moment and I say "I'm just getting these two" as nonchalantly as possible. She smiles and says "ok". "Wait, why is this bitch smiling" I wonder. Did she notice that fast? Were my efforts to get in and get out unnoticed with the butt cream all in vain? IS SHE PATRONIZING ME?

I swipe my debit card as quickly as possible. As the receipt is printing out, she pulls a phone out of her pocket. "WHAT IS SHE UPDATING HER FACEBOOK STATUS TO? IS SHE TWEETING 'LOL THERES A GUY AT MY JOB BUYING HEMORRHOID CREAM SMH'? PUT THE PHONE DOWN DAMNIT." She gives me the receipt and I quickly beeline out the door.

Little did I know this was only the beginning of my torment. I thought this was just like Vaseline where you just smear it on the... "surface". No, this is not a "surface" product. It has an "applicator" that has to be "inserted" you know where. Then you have to squeeze the bottle and "apply" it inside there. Then when you're done you have to "thoroughly clean the applicator" for obvious reasons and repeat this horrendous process up to 4 times a day.



So yeah, guys. Life's great at the moment.
Nov 17 2015, 10:42 am
This shit cracks me up. Keep at it, frog.
Dec 14 2015, 3:35 am
Man, growing up just keeps getting less and less attractive the longer i live. Lol
Dec 14 2015, 3:41 am (Edited on Dec 14 2015, 3:52 am)
I had a hemorrhoid once, I just started sitting on softer things, eventually went away.
Dec 14 2015, 3:02 pm
Get well soon empirez.
Dec 14 2015, 3:06 pm
its gone. and im still wondering if it was actually a hemorrhoid because something about it didn't seem fully hemmorhoidish.

i did say i was only 86% certain, after all.
Dec 14 2015, 3:08 pm
In response to EmpirezTeam
You shoved something up your arse that injected a mostly white cream into your anus and you werent even sure if you needed it?
Dec 14 2015, 3:10 pm
whats wrong with having white cream in your anus
Dec 14 2015, 3:18 pm
/thread
Dec 14 2015, 3:30 pm
I like turtles.
Dec 14 2015, 7:47 pm
congratulations! it's a tapeworm
Dec 15 2015, 3:14 am
In response to Metamorphman
Metamorphman wrote:
congratulations! it's a tapeworm

its what i always wanted for christmas
Dec 15 2015, 7:18 am
You should name him George.
Dec 21 2015, 12:39 am
The worst part about getting old is the kids on your lawn.

I mean, when I was young, I just thought old people were being irrational about their lawns. I wasn't hurting their lawn any. Now though, I know that they actually didn't give a shit about their lawn. They just didn't want to deal with me near them.

When I was in my early 20s, it was like I was child repellent. People would tell their kids to stay away from me, but now all of the sudden I've crossed the age threshold where I'm not a dangerous youngster here to snatch up all your little girls, and am a responsible adult, so of course my lawn is just full of kids.

I swear to god, it's like my lawn is a freaking J-beibs concert. A man can't swing a stick on his own property without hitting a child and winding up in court for aggravated battery against a minor again.
Dec 21 2015, 2:59 am
In response to Ter13
Just loudly talk about how My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic inspired you to embrace your inner nudist. The problem will solve itself.
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