BEAUTY IS A BEAST
Belle has been apprehended by the authorities today as a suspect in the murder of community hero Gaston. Upon arrival, witnesses were shocked to find the eccentric woman alone in an abandoned castle, in the process of committing unspeakable acts of Beastiality. She has been committed to the madhouse Maison de Lunes while she awaits trial. Witnesses describe her as raving mad, shouting "He's a man! He's a man!" as she was taken into custody.
Despite several searches, the body of Gaston has never been recovered. Friends and family remember him as a lively, charming man whose favorite activities included hunting for sport and enjoying the company of the patrons at the local tavern. "No one lived like you."
TOXIN CLAIMS MODEL'S LIFE
Grief washes over the local community as the cover girl of PlayMaid has unfortunately passed away. An autopsy reveals that lethal chemicals have been found in the city's orchard grove, where it is believed that Miss White consumed through the widely available apples in the area. Several vigilantes have already torched many of the apple trees in protest of this turn of events. When approached for comment, Lady Claudia denounced the actions as nothing more than vandalism. "The growth hormone chemicals used in my orchards are guaranteed to be safe for human consumption. I should know; I brew them myself." In a bizarre twist, Lady Claudia was later seen fleeing the police and was struck down in a thunderstorm, shortly after leaving the burnt grove. The sheriff is now seeking a warrant to search Castle Claudia for evidence of the manufacture of poisonous materials. The body of Miss White will be enshrined in the center of the grove, where she spent much of her free time.
BIPPITY BOPPITY BROKEN
Bippity Boppity Boo Manufacturers have announced a recall on their popular Glass Slipper line of ball apparel in the wake of several accidents involving a weakness in the slipper design, including the infamous Wedding Crash incident two weeks ago in which Cinderella (who has asked that her face not be published) stepped down too quickly as she proceeded down the aisle, causing the glass slipper to shatter and cause multiple lacerations over the surface of her left foot. Thanks to the quick thinking of a fairy godmother employee attending the wedding for the company's promotion, Cinderella's wounds were tightly bandaged with her wedding gown, preventing massive blood loss and saving the use of her foot. Experts predict that Cinderella will make a full recovery. Bippity Boppity Boo made a statement about the scandal, saying "We are sincerely sorry for the discomfort our Glass Slipper product has caused for many consumers. We are looking into creating a plastic model that is both fashionable and completely safe, and if anybody owns a pair of Glass Slippers, we encourage you to no longer wear them and ship them to our headquarters, where we will compensate with store credit."
LIFE SUPPORT TREATMENT PROVEN A SUCCESS
Family members were rejoiced to see that Aurora, dubbed the Sleeping Beauty for remaining in a 16 year coma, has awoken while relatives were hotly debating whether or not to pull the plug. Doctors were shocked to find that Aurora recovered from the degenerative brain disorder received by making contact with a rusted needle. "I was torn," said Prince Philip, "I couldn't stand to see Aurora suffer any longer, and knelt beside her body to give her a kiss goodbye." Due to severe muscular atrophy, Aurora was in no condition to speak or take an interview. She will require months of physical therapy, but Prince Philip has sworn to help her adjust and catch up on the many years that have passed her by.
Bippity Boppity Boo is now hiring for fairy godparents! If you think you have what it takes to deliver the gift of Happily Ever After to communities around the world, come down to our recruitment office and create an application! In no time, you'll be on your way to exotic locations such as Agrabah and Atlantis, spreading happiness wherever you go*!
*Must be willing to work long hours and endure harsh weather conditions while maintaining a cheerful personality. Fairy wings and wand will be provided by the company.
Nov 7 2007, 12:52 pm