As a browsed my RSS feeds for my morning news, I ran across this headline from my local paper:

"Oldest lifeguard misses pool"

When I saw this headline, my mind started racing with the thought of a slapstick story where a kid starts flailing about in the water and an old man dives off the lifeguard post in the wrong direction, leading to a falling whistle and a satisfying splat as he hits the pavement. Sure it's sick, but it's also hilarious.

Instead, I was greeted with a rather boring story about the world oldest lifeguard retiring. Total disappointment. If you want to read the original, it can be found here: Oldest lifeguard misses pool, but I don't see why you would, as it involves no whistle or splat sound effects whatsoever.

Do you have a favorite news headline that was way better than the article itself? Post it in the comments. If I get enough interesting ones, I'll make another blog post on them.
James Taranto collects some fun headlines. search?article-doc-type={Best+of+the+Web+Today}&HEADER_TEXT= best+of+the+web+today

"Batman Retires From Hospital"--headline, Star Press (Muncie, Ind.), Jan. 14
"Key to Battling Cold: Dress Warmly, Experts Say"--headline, Chicago Tribune, Jan. 15
"Solar System Costs Suddenly Fall"--headline, United Press International, Jan. 13
"Church of England Publishes Prayer for the Redundant"--headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Jan. 7

Hilarious headline, depressing story. 'I was bashed with a dildo by man in leather mask'
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If you are willing to help me out, my email is I am in desperate need of help. I have a game I need to be on to update, so a lot of people are depending on it...

Thanks for the time.