Alright. We're supposed to believe that 75 million years ago, a space warlord named Xenu kidnapped a whole bunch of people for ethnic cleansing with the intent of abandoning them on the planet Teegeeack.

Teegeeack is Earth, by the way.

So he shipped billions and billions of his own people in spaceships that looked exactly like this (with rocket engines instead)?



I guess the spaceship wings were necessary in case the pilots encountered any solar headwinds.

Anyway, he piles several hundred billion frozen bodies around the base of Earth's volcanos before blowing everyone up to high heaven with hydrogen bombs. Does anybody see anything wrong with this?

And then we're supposed to believe that he forced the souls of the murdered to watch a 3D motion picture for 36 consecutive days, telling each and every one of them that they're specifically Jesus, God and the Devil?



Oh, but it gets even better. Supposedly this Xenu guy wasn't all that popular with the Xenuettes, because he was imprisoned for his crimes within a mountain, contained by a forcefield that is powered by a battery that never, ever, runs out of power.

Never.

Ever.

And with nowhere else to go, these brainwashed souls, renamed as Thetans, float around and possess human beings by the hundreds. The only way to get rid of these things is by paying money to fry your brain with a device called an E-Meter.

Are you still alive? I hope so, because according to Scientology the information I have shared with you so far should have been so amazing your brain would have literally exploded out of your skull and all over the walls in your room.



See, when you join Scientology you start out at Operating Thetan 1, or OT 1 for short. To make it easier to remember, think of the abbreviation like Owner Level 1. You pay good money for people to zap you with an E-Meter, and the more this happens the better able you are at eliminating Thetans from your body. As you remove more, you level up graduate to the next Operating Thetan platform.

Actually, that's not a bad analogy at all. The Thetans you remove are the equivelant to slaying monsters for EXP. As you do this enough, you gain a level.

Yes, you level up in Scientology. And you pay money to do it. It's like a very bad Byond fangame.

As you level up in Scientology, your abilities begin to improve just like any other Japanese RPG that has been shat out by Square-Enix within the last 20 years. Here's a setup of the 8 circles you can obtain. It works just like an Ultima game, for those of you who have played it.

LV1 - You have just had your first E-Meter experience. You attend church and do all of those typical fundraiser churchy things you'd expect from grandmotherly types.

LV2 - Your Stamina and IQ increases (though the latter may be debatable, seeing how you're following Scientology in the first place). You'll find yourself more energetic throughout the day and you'll have a greater capacity to recall things from memory.

LV3 - At this stage you gain the power to break through Xenu's "Wall of Fire" passive ability (50% resistance to rational thought) and you begin to ask yourself deep questions such as "powerlevel me? ^^;"

LV4 - When you reach this level, you obtain the passive skill "Resistance to Psychology and Medicinal Drugs". As the toxic effects of Coca Cola and Advil begin to lose their hold on you, your spirit starts to cleanse yourself. The difficulty rate rises sharply here, though. You're no longer considered a newbie and large doses of the drug can penetrate your defenses. If this happens you'll lose EXP and possibly de-level (as any MMORPG would do to you, and you can't get more massive than Scientology).

LV5 - This level grants you the ability to work your way through Xenu's "Enhanced Wall of Fire" special ability (75% resistance to rational thought). This marks a change in your progression, as from this point on you really have to grind for your levels, and the occasional rare item drop of "Dianetics - First Edition".

LV6 - This is a very popular level, and for good reason. You become a qualified Auditor (think of Aurors from Harry Potter) and you gain mastery of most Thetans that still inhabit the newbies! With your new power of exorcism, you proceed to train newbies and level them up, and in doing so you progress to the next level which is...

LV7 - This is the moment of truth. This requires extensive amounts of time training (perfect for any WoW addict) and honing your skills. Interruptions can severely hamper your progression into the final circle of power.

LV8 - Congratulations! Upon reaching this final Operating Thetan plateau, you gain the ability to use mind-control and summon lightning from your fingertips. Jesus himself was at this level, and just like him you can control earthquakes and get nailed to crosses.



LV9 - This is the GM-only level, and restricted to L. Ron Hubbard himself. All games give their creators unfair advantages, and this is no exception.




Now that we've moved off of that lengthy discussion on the level up and class-change systems of Scientology, we can move onto the issues of hardware compatibility. According to the instruction manual, Scientology is reported to be compatible with all major religions.

Now stop the train for a moment. Didn't we just read that the Thetans (dead souls) were forced to watch a matinee of brainwashing movies to convince themselves that they were spiritual figures? Surely something like THAT would have found its way into the Bible.

Not only that, but when you reach Operating Thetan level 8 you're told the awful truth. Jesus was a...PEDOPHILE?



"Suffer the children onto me" indeed. It's all starting to make sense...or how about NOT.

Now, we should examine the gameplay. Scientology believes that psychology and drugs are works of Satan Thetans. Yes, that's right you Emo kids. All of your ills, ranging from depression to addiction to AIDS is all nothing but a state of mind, and Scientology can show you the way! Or so they'd have you think, anyway. In fact, the core of Scientology revolves around threats, harassment and lawsuits. Anybody who publicizes himself as an opposer of this cult forfeits his rights of a human being, as far as any practitioners are concerned. What happens if you join the church and your family members don't approve? No matter. You're encouraged to no longer keep in contact with any of them - the cult is your new family.

There is also the theory that the E-Meter, which is what you go to in order to level up, is suspected to release endorphins in your body to make you feel good, much like someone who is souped up on happy pills. Sounds like an electrical, or E-Drug, to me.



McGruff: Alright, kids! What do you do if a strange person holding a Dianetics book walks up and asks you for a free stress test?

Just say NO! Hail Xenu!

All material presented by the author of this article was pruned from http://www.wikipedia.org and I swear to Xenu that nothing contained here was fabricated for this presentation.