When I launch the pager it just reads "Loading game information...". CPU usage is at 0%. This is apparently a common issue, but nothing's changed even after trying all suggested fixes I've found.

OS is Windows 8.1, 64 bit.
I don't have a japanese locale, no cyrillic or any special characters in paths.
I'm not using OneDrive and everything is local. Firewall isn't blocking it.

So fair I've tried:
Installer and zip downloads for stable and beta versions
Running as Admin
Deleting localhub.db
Renaming cfg directory
Deleting everything
Moving user data path to C:\ and desktop
Installing to C:\ and desktop
Adding permissions to user data and install directory
Disabling and enabling IE11
Disabling IE and using an installer

I've used Process Monitor but it's not very helpful since I don't know what I'm looking for.
Any help would be much appreciated!