In short, I can't sleep.
Why? I haven't been sleeping well lately for the past couple of months. Only somewhat recently did the concept of death REALLY sink in for me and I feel that it's hit me really hard.
I've always been a compulsive worrier. Whether it's one thing or another, I always worry about stuff. However, now my worries have taken a new turn into the morbid. I seriously cannot close me eyes in bed without my thoughts turning to the inevitability that one day my parents are going to die. I'm going to watch their bodies, in caskets, descend into the earth and I'll lose them forever. I'll be alone forever. And then eventually I will grow old and die, and my consciousness as I know it will cease to exist.
"But once you're dead you're not going to know so you won't care anymore!" I just can't get behind that line of reasoning and take any comfort from it, because I know about this NOW and it makes me sick to my stomach. Every time I've looked at my mom and dad these past couple of months, the predominant thought running through my mind has been "How much longer will I have before they're gone forever?" I try to spend time with them or talk to them but it all comes down to doing it for the sake not knowing if I'll ever get a chance to see them again. However, in doing so I feel so sick that I just know that once it does happen, I'm not going to feel any better about it.
I just finished rummaging through the kitchen cabinets to try finding some sleeping pills (just to take one) because I really don't feel like I can keep going to sleep the way I've been lately; staying up in worry and fear until I practically collapse from physical/mental exhaustion. Of course, I never found the medicine or I doubt I'd be typing this right now.
I've tried talking to my mother about this but she has enough problems of her own that she has to deal with every day. Does she really need to be reminded of her own mortality from her son through his selfish complaints about not getting to bed on time on top of that?
I don't know what to do.
Oct 26 2007, 5:16 pm