A Soldiers tale


While on R & R and with our 15th Wedding anniversary coming up I was looking for something a bit special to by my lovely wife when I noticed something in Tim's Pawn shop that got my attention, as I was away from home on exercise quite often this seemed just the thing for Monika..


What it was was a 1,000,000 Volt pocket /purse sized Stun Gun, just the thing I thought, as we lived in an old Farm house on the outskirts of Town with no immediate neighbours, and I thought she would just love it, the effects of this are supposed to be short lived with no adverse long term effects on an assailant and that would give her time to get help and reach safety,

Absolutely Brilliant,,

I bought it and took it home with me, while my wife was out I thought I would set it up for her, I put in 2 AAA batteries and pressed the trigger, nothing happened and I was very disappointed, I soon learned that if I held itagainst a metal surface and pushed the trigger at the same time you would get ablue spark

Jumping between the prongs!! Absolutely Brilliant

Mind you I still haven't explained the burn marks on the sink yet.

So picture this I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to my self even though I hate electricity, that It can't really be that bad with 2 little triple A batteries can it,


There I was sitting on the Couch with my two very trusting dogs looking on from under the stairs intently

While I was reading the instructions and thinking I really need to try this thing out on flesh and blood a (Moving Target)

I must admit I did think of zapping the dogs but only for a split second, as they are both such loyal good dogs But if I was going to give this to Monika to protect herself against a mugger I did need to test it (didn't I.)

So there I sat in my Pyjamas with my reading glasses perched on my nose the instructions in one hand and The gun in the other, the instruction said that

A one second burst would only shock and disorientate your assailant

A two seconds burst would cause muscle spasms and loss of bodily control

And a three second burst would probably make him flop to the ground like a fish out of water, and

Anything further would just waist the batteries,

All the while I am looking at this tiny cute little devise about 5inch long and loaded with two itsy bitsy Little triple A batteries

Thinking to myself no possible way in the world when what happened next is almost beyond any form of description But I will domy best,



I am sitting there with both the Dogs looking at me Rocky with his head tipped to one side as if to say 'don't do it you idiot', me thinking that a one second burst from such a cute tiny little thing surely wont hurt that much

I finally plucked up enough courage and decided to give myself the smallest one second burst just for the heck of it, I put the prongs to my naked thigh and pushed the trigger and


HOLLY MOTHER OF GOD, JESES AND MARY, WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRUCTION, IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN AND EARTH,,,,


I think the incredible hulk burst in the front door picked me and the couch up and body slammed me and the couch over and over again and again on the floor until I was unconscious,


I vaguely remember waking up on my side in the fatal position with tears in my eyes my body soaking wet

Both my nipples on fire and my left testicle nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in a very odd position and my right leg doing a dance all on its own


The dogs were barking in a way I had never heard before and one of them would not come anywhere near me,

(Just a point) if you ever decide to mug your self with a stun gun take note there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself, you will find out that you can not let go of the stupid thing until it is dislodge from your hand by collapsing to the floor and all the violent thrashing about like your in the jaws of a shark knocks it from your hand,


A few minutes later I can not be to sure I started to get my thoughts together and looked around my bent Glasses were on the mantle piece the carpet had been pulled up and the couch had been turned over and was in the middle of the room,



My triceps, left arm, and thigh, and both nipples and testicle was still twitching, my face felt like I had forty sessions of botox and my bottom lip was hanging open, but at least my right leg had stopped dancing and had joined the left one,



I had no control over drooling and had eitherpassed wind or messed my self the smell was awful, and when I tried to call thedogs smoke came out of my mouth I will spend the rest of my life trying torecover and forget this..



PS My wife loves this gift and regularly uses it as a threat to keep me in line (next year I will buy her flowers)