So, today I discovered that my microwave had a sinister alternate purpose.
It all started innocently enough. First there was the hunger. Innocent hunger. The kind that requires a bag of microwave popcorn to eat. So naturally, being the kind of human being that is capable of feeding himself in times of need, I retrieved the last bag of popcorn and placed it in the microwave.
Right on top of the arcane summoning circle!
Now see, I didn't know that a cult had broken into my house to paint arcane symbols in my microwave late at night, and if I had, it would only have served to confuse the hell out of me. However, that's apparently what heppened, because I have no other explanation for the phenomena which followed.
Still blissfully unaware of my impending doom, I keyed in the microwave time needed: 1:30. Everything started off just fine - the microwave buzzed to life, the little turntable started turning, and I began digging through some drawers to find something to put the popcorn in. Then suddenly, disaster struck!
The soft buzz of the microwave loudened to just short of a deafening roar, and the room was filled with an unearthly light. I spun around and to my surprise it appeared that a gate had opened up to the lower planes INSIDE MY MICROWAVE! Fire spewed forth from the wall as though the plane beyond were bathed in perpetual fire. I could have sworn I heard screams and pained moans faintly in the distance as the flames burst through the seemingly corporal metal.
Near-frozen by fear, it was all I could to do shield my reproductive organs from the microwave's surely-unchecked radiation, using the metal bowl that was originally going to have been for popcorn. Briefly the idea of shutting the thing off at the power source came to mind, but the plug was right next to the microwave, and there was no way I was going to walk any closer to THAT eldritch device! To my horror, a head began to materialize in the flames, speaking tongues that had not been heard in many millenia. It's one baleful eye glared at me with cyclopean malice, as its red skin crackled but did not burn in the searing flames of the microwave.
Eventually one dialect reached my ears that sounded vaguely human, and this seemed to be what it said: "At last, I am freed from my prison in the underworld! Soon, I shall emerge from this portal and destroy everything! All hail Glythnyllygyzzzyxxxthstn!" (Don't look at me, I can't pronounce it either...) Fortunately for me, the demon had only managed to manifest its head, and so there was still time. Desperately, I glanced at the power point, hoping to sever its connection to this plane before it could pull any more of its body through, but thoughts of microwave-based sterilization came to mind and I stayed put.
Yet, I had forgotten one crucial thing, which the demon also was not aware of (Not surprisingly, since he'd probably been trapped down there centuries). The microwave was on a timer, and that timer had barely 5 seconds left. Suddenly, it shut off and his one eye widened in horror as he realized what was about to happen. Sure enough, the dastardly red flame vanished, as did the portal, severing his head from his body. His mouth opened in a soundless scream as it blackened and bubbled, hissing and spitting away until all that remained of it was a shapeless black lump stuck to the microwave's inner frame.
Needless to say, I threw the thing out and silently cursed whatever cultists did this to it. Ironically, the popcorn bag was still unpopped, though I'm pretty sure it would have measured pretty highly on a geiger counter, so I threw that out too.
Maybe I'll stick to cup-o-soups or something...
(P.S. This is based on a true story... my microwave really did go up in flames for some reason, but no demon heads came out, thankfully!)
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