ID:734334
 
Before: When i was at school i was a nice and normal kid, I managed to have a lot of friends, I even enjoyed school, but i was always very uncomfortable around girls, I was very shy, as i think i always will be. Even though i had been interested in girls from the start of high school (approx 11 years old) i was unfortunate that no girl ever seemed interested in me.

I did try flirting with several girls who were my friends, but that was more of a play thing and never the girls i actually fancied. There was one girl who i absolutely fell in love with, We were in the same maths class and she was so beautiful and we would always struggle in class together. One time i got the courage to approach her, but she shot me down, It wasn't pleasant, but it wouldn't change my feelings. From then i knew i had no chance, a few years passed of still being single, i did feel lonely and no girl ever noticed me.

When i was 13 one of my friends said something very strange , He said he liked me a lot, I had been Good friends with him for 2 years now, so i told him that i really like him too. I really had no idea what i was doing and was more appreciative of the affection and attention, things were said and we got to a stage where we held hands, it wasn't comfortable, but i thought that was because i wasn't used to being in a relationship, after a while we kissed and it became obvious we were in a gay relationship. We kissed a few times, and maybe trying to be accepted we kissed in front of some of my best friends, I thought i had good friends, but by the next day a lot of people were talking about it, and then everyone knew about it, even my head master came to talk to us and warned us that they'd confront our parents, at that point things started to crumble.

I was lucky of my upbringing since that helped me avoid the full extent of bullying, I was brought up on a farm, I had a climbing frame and would often dig up the garden to an extent that i was physically built, but i do wear my heart on my sleeve, So i was an emotional person, so when the verbal abuse started it really seemed my life was turned upside down. Somehow within a week of having my first relationship, it had been torn apart, Now i wont say i was not grateful.. because i realised i was never attracted to him. I was literally just appreciative of the attention he gave me, My relationship ended but things only got worse.

I was constantly made fun of, called names like: batty boy, poof, gay lord, gay boy, homo and a lot more. What hurt me most was the people who i considered my best friends betrayed me by telling everyone about it within a day, there was some people who did not prove hostile to me, but at that point i trusted no one and that turned my school life into a living misery. I was even stupid and took to cutting myself, I lost everyone i would consider a friend and closed up to any of the people who tried to talk to me, I pretty much hated life and i couldn't concentrate at school any more, I failed most of my exams, Because i lived a fair distance from school, I hid parents letters so my parents never come to school and they never found out anything about my reputation.


Then: The three last years of my school was horrible, I spent my time wishing it would end, as such when i was 16 i left school and straight away went for a job interview, I never spoke to anyone i knew from school ever again and i planned to forget about my past, I was always shy as a kid and i did find my job interview to be scary, but i did all right, despite everything that happened my personality was never changed. In the few years before leaving school i escaped onto the internet, This is where i found Byond, The community which i managed to bury myself into for many years, I met my best friend there, as well as making a lot of on line friends. This was my escape, my bubble, my only contact with other people. I felt part of the community and i played many games, While i had my job i ended up donating a lot of money to the community and to the only people i could call friends, It made me feel happy to get Kind words directed at me instead of the negative bullying comments that i had experienced for so long, It was not long before i became well known for my generosity and kindness, This was fine as i felt happy that people were kind to me, even if they might have been using me.

My life became very stagnant, I had my job which i enjoyed doing, and the guys i worked with were nice although they were ranged between the ages of 30-65, So there was an age barrier of sorts, which i was grateful of because after leaving my school behind i couldn't really move on, Even though i like the people i work with i have constantly lied to them, I made a fake life that i fabricated so that they would think i was a normal person, So that they would never be able to approach me about my issues.

I am stuck in a day to day repetitive routine where i go to work, come home, dwell in my internet world, sleep and repeat, I would guess that i may have become afraid of making real friends due to a lot of fears, i might be betrayed again, people may not like me for who i really am, and plainly that change itself can be very frightening.


Now: I cant begin to explain the mix of emotions i have for actually wanting and not allowing myself to have friends, in such the last 7 years of my life has not changed, I didn't take part in anything that a normal teenager might have, i haven't socialised with friends, i haven't done anything remotly fun, at most i've done is tasted alcohol, i'm not even comfortable with interaction, I stay home and i don't go out, i have yet to make a real life friend in these 7 years, my only relationship that i have had was a huge mistake and i have not so much as held hands with a girl before, I have a lot of regrets and i feel that my life is missing a lot, i've heard sayings that you don't miss what you haven't had, but that's not true as i can asure you til this day i am extremly sexually frustrated.

I dont see how anything will change as the few internet friends i have made that know about my issues have offered help, but i push them away. I do want the help but i am very afraid and because of that i reject the help that i want. I hope that one day i can have some friends and that i can fall in love and not be alone any more, I've lied so much just so that i could make my pathetic life seem normal, i haven't had the worst life by a long shot, but i'm stuck and my life is far from worth it and i regularly find myself thinking if this isn't going to change then why am i still living this life.
Things in life worth fighting for are never going to come easy. You need to do some self-searching and come to a conclusion about yourself and who you are, regardless of what others say. Once you do that, just be yourself. Don't bother lying to anyone. Anyone who doesn't accept you doesn't need to bother you. Just keep that popular internet saying in your head: "Your haters are your biggest fans."

Be optimistic. Don't ever wonder why you are alive. You are alive to be the you that no one else can change. You are alive to contribute to this world and to the lives of those who accept you.

I was never the "average joe" or "jock" you see everywhere either. I was not sexually confused, but, to be honest, I have had about 3 relationships, only one of them being real. I'm 17 years old. I'm a computer junkie and not very good at any sports. However, in my sophomore year, I decided to not let anyone else's opinion bother me anymore. I started working out a bit, being more social, being proud of my intelligence, and haven't really changed my computer habits one bit. I'm in a computer class and know more than the teacher does, so I practically teach it. It's kind of annoying, but I like the positive reinforcement I get from my peers in that class about my knowledge. I have some crushes and know some girls that are crushing on me. So, to sum it up, my life has turned around.

And I know you can do the same.
I bet it's Falacy.
Too bad I can't "like" posts...
In response to EmpirezTeam
EmpirezTeam wrote:
I bet it's Falacy.

That actually produced a worryingly callous laugh, well done.
Well not sure how this'll go down, but I Guess i'll admit that i wrote this.
Don't do that, it's not funny when it's you.

Although it's not exactly a surprise, unless ZIDDY99 was getting up himself about how many memberships he bought, and had worryingly extended his concept of how old he was.
It really is Teka.
Well i never intended it to be funny, and it's taken me a long time to write this down.

This is also the reason why i rejected you when you even mentioned that you'd buy me a beer one day.
I assumed that was because I'm a creepy internet person, that would want to show you my hentais. Which may well be the case, you should give it a try and see ;D.

Plus, it's only funny if it's Falacy, you must understand, because these particular outlets are usually a bit ... eh in nature, given you're venting to a community of thousands, and thousands of people rarely have much compassion or personal understanding. The latter of which seems to be what you're seeking. Come have a chat to me on AIM/MSN if you'd like, it'll probably go much better for you.
Ahh i see, Well as an internet only dweller because being trapped in my shell venturing out into the real world is frightening enough, but.. i have acquainted myself moderately well with hentai due to my predicament! lol so that's no turn away.

Ahh well i see, writing this was more to allow myself to feel that i have made a step to changing my life in some way, I've been here a long time and know a lot of people at least a bit, so maybe i thought i had managed to build some level of trust that i could share with the community.
This reminds me of the History With BYOND thing I did on myself and how BYOND influenced my life. This kind of inspired me to update and retype it. Next couple hours will be well spent, I guess.
Im with Kumorii on that.

And with stephen on the whole, its only funny when its Falacy thing.