I've been called on the phone. Here's the story:
Sunday, June 9th there was a missionary speaker from (guess where) Europe on the television. I disregarded what he was saying because I was only watching it for the cute chick behind him in a lowcut blouse when the phone rang. It was Rick.
Rick has been telling me some pretty serious stuff here lately, starting with the fact that he has testicular cancer. (I even felt the tumor it was pretty gross)
Then I read the bible so here is a relevant bible verse:

Exodus 16:36
36 (An omer is one tenth of an ephah.)

I took this to mean that I would also soon have testicular cancer, like my buddy Rick. Naturally, the human side of me was very sad; I didn't want cancer to grow near my scrotum. After all, I am hard and stubborn (I'm not hard in that way goodness you guys are so gross). We have 296 million people, and 205 million of them agree that it is very sad that I will have testicular cancer. We have 6 million who are complete douchebags and are happy. 6,000 teens commit suicide every year because they are afraid that they will also get testicular cancer. 28 million have left the church in the last decade because of this! Lefty and righty are not very happy about this turn of events. They are also hard and stubborn.
But, Rick told me something different than my plans Sunday. With the statistics he presented (such as, Europe, the birthplace of modern medicine, has less than 1% without testicular cancer) and other things, God showed me he that he wants me to have ball cancer. Naturally, I argued. ("I want to copulate!") As I was talking it over with Rick on the phone, Pastor Johnny Appletree started speaking in tongues. I told him that he was stupid and should just speak English unless he was some dumb towelhead. So, I'd like for Him to change His mind, but I'm ready to cut 'em off.
In Balls We Trust,
Ben