Two favorite jokes in Off Topic

ID:36225
 
Oct 29 2007, 8:17 pm
I love both these jokes. A little Google searching found me some good and concise versions of them (they can both be drawn out for dramatic effect, of course -- I leave that exercise to the reader). I've read books and books of jokes, but I can never remember them when the time comes to tell jokes; but these two stick with me.


Joke #1

A man is walking down a street and is going by a pet store.

A parrot is sitting on a stand just outside the door, and calls out to the man, "HEY, BUDDY!"

Intrigued, the man stops and says, "What?"

The parrot says, "F--- YOU!"

The man becomes upset and goes into the store to complain to the owner.

The owner goes outside and tells the parrot, "That’s the last time you do that. One more complaint about your language, and I’ll bag you up and throw you into the lake. You got me?"

The parrot nods his head.

The next day, the same man is walking by the pet store.

The parrot calls out to the man, "HEY, BUDDY!"

Intrigued, the man stops and says, "What?"

The parrot doesn’t say anything--it just stares at the man.

This goes on for several seconds, until the man loses patience and says again, "What?"

The parrot says quietly, "You know what."


Joke #2

One day a rabbi, in a frenzy of religious passion, rushed in before the ark, fell to his knees, and started beating his breast, crying, "I'm nobody! I'm nobody!"

The cantor of the synagogue, impressed by this example of spiritual humility, joined the rabbi on his knees. "I'm nobody! I'm nobody!"

The "shamus" (custodian), watching from the corner, couldn't restrain himself either. He joined the other two on his knees, calling out, "I'm nobody! I'm nobody!"

At which point the rabbi, nudging the cantor with his elbow, pointed at the custodian and said, "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
#1 Oct 29 2007, 8:59 pm
Haha. Nice jokes. Here's one for you (I heard this one a few years ago, so it maybe a little off):


A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a stranger and starts to make small talk.

The stranger turns to the guy who just walked in and said, "they have magic beer here."

The guy who just walked in says, "Ha, yeah right!"

Then he says, "I bet you once I drink this beer, I can fly out of that window and back through the other."

The guy says, "Okay, you have a deal!"

Sure enough, the man chugs a beer, walks up to the window, and flys out of it, and back through the other window.

The other guy says, "Wow! You're right!"

He then chugs the beer, jumps out the window and falls to his death.

The other man sits down and the bartender says, "You know Superman, you can be such an ass sometimes."
#2 Oct 29 2007, 9:24 pm
Ooh, ooh! I have a few:

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.


A mushroom walks into a bar, and sits down at the counter. "I'd like a pint of whatever is on the tap!" he said to the bartender.

"I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind here!" replied the bartender.

"Why not?" said the mushroom, "I'm a, fun guy"
#3 Oct 29 2007, 10:46 pm
The superman one is a classic. =)

"Fun guy." Groan.
#4 Oct 29 2007, 11:30 pm
I remember one from a joke book when I was a kid; my mother had that book and it sort of passed down. The following is slightly paraphrased owing to imperfect memory.

In World War II, a US Navy fighter pilot landed on an aircraft carrier after his mission. He walked right up to the commander and saluted, then said, "Sir, I flew a perfect mission today. I shot down three enemy fighters in a row, I landed on this deck dead center and stopped right on a dime, I didn't waste a drop of fuel, and I didn't make one mistake."

"Is that so?" said the Japanese commander. "I think you made one mistake."
#5 Oct 30 2007, 1:46 am
:-D Haven't heard that one before. Nice.

Here's one I just recalled:

An Englishman, an Australian, and an Irishman all apply for the same job, which is to erect telephone poles in a new suburb. The foreman sizes them all up and can't decide between them. After some thought, he comes up with a plan.

"Okay lads, here's how we'll settle this. I'll give you all a trial run. The person who puts up the most telephone poles at the end of the day gets the job."

So all three of them go off and start working, putting the posts into the ground. At the end of the day they all come back and the foreman asks each of them how they've done.

"I have erected forty-six telephone poles today," says the Englishman.

"I did fifty-two, mate," says the Australian.

"Very good, well done both of you," says the foreman. "And how many did you do?" he asks the Irishman.

"Three," is the proud response.

"Three? The other two managed nearly a hundred telephone poles between them and you only did three?"

"Well, yeah, but look how much they left sticking out of the ground!"
#6 Oct 30 2007, 4:30 am
An Englishmen, a Scotsman, and an Irishmen all walk in to a bar and sit down. They each order a beer and when the bartender gives it to each of them, they all have a fly in it.

The Englishmen gets the bartender's attention and asks for another beer, then enjoys his fresh beer.

The Scotsman pulls out the fly and chugs down his beer.

The Irishment picks up the fly by the wings, looks at it right in the eye, and sys, "You'd better spit that out if you know that's good for you."
#7 Oct 30 2007, 4:37 am
Crappy old joke:

One night two guys go out drinking all over town. The next day they wake up and begin talking about their night. One says to the other, "Man, my favorite place was that one that had the golden toilet." To which the other replies, "Yeah, what was the name of that place?" Realising they have no idea what the place was called, they begin calling every bar in the phone book. Asking, "Does your bar have a golden toilet?"

They call almost every bar in town before they think about giving up. On the last call they make, before they finish asking the question they hear a loud honk followed by someone over the line shouting, "Hey, I finally got that clog out of the tuba!"
#8 Oct 30 2007, 6:47 am
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
#9 Oct 30 2007, 1:14 pm
Hah. I've heard that one before, but its still funny.
Here's one that I heard a while back. I can't remember it exactly, but it went something like:

A man walked into a bar where he had built up a huge tab.
The bartender gave the man two options, "Either you pass a special test or pay me my money. If you do neither, you won't walk out of this bar alive."
Knowing he was completely broke, the guy opted to take the test.
"OK, first you must drink this full gallon of tequila without pausing for breath.
"Then, there is a 'gator downstairs with a sore tooth. Help it out for me.
"Finally, there is a woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. Make things right for her, if you know what I mean."
Pondering it for a few minutes, the guy responded, "Fine, you've got yourself a deal."
So, he drank the tequila straight down, tears rolling down his face after a few seconds. He proceeded downstairs, and everyone heard this god-awful roaring and thumping.
Finally, the man staggers back upstairs, scratches and gashes covering him and his clothes shredded. Panting, he said, "Now, where is that girl with the sore tooth?"





One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
#10 Oct 30 2007, 1:51 pm
Jamesburrow wrote:
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."


Holy crap, I love that joke! Haha. That is a good idea also.
#11 Oct 30 2007, 2:10 pm
Of course, that's what we call "obstructing justice", but yeah, it's hilarious. ;-)