ID:115112
 
"They're all alike. Effected degenerates. Like poison in my mind. We blow out the candles and turn out all the lights. Power to a mechanical paradox!"
-400 Ft. Robots by A Skylit Drive


I got impatient so here is another short story. It's kind of different from what I've previously written and as usual I'm going off an idea and coming up with this as I go. Enjoy!


Peur Du Noir -


The silence in the room had persisted for what felt like hours. I couldn't see a thing; The room was pitch black. My breathing grew shallow as I heard the footsteps moving toward my corner of the room. I crouched down and cautiously stepped away from the direction that the noise was coming from. Sweat was beginning to run down my forehead as I I heard a dull thud. It was the sound of my heel hitting the wall. Was I going to die? The blackout struck at around midnight and all I could think of was the serial killer that had already claimed several victims.

All of the bodies were found with their eyes gouged out and a Glasgow smile spreading sadistically across their faces. All of the autopsies had revealed that they all died from shock. I couldn't imagine a worse hell than having my eyes ripped out, my face slit side to side and being left to suffer. For all I knew this was this very situation I was in.

I heard it in front of me. Directly in front of me. I was on the floor with my back up against the wall as a rough hand forced my jaw open and stuck a razor blade in my mouth with the blade pointing down on my teeth. I tried desperately to scream but it was to no avail - I was gripped with terror. A solid knee came up and kneed me in the jaw, forcing my jaw to bite down on the blade. The blade dug into my teeth and became lodged there as blood began running down the side of my mouth. I was in unimaginable pain as my head was grabbed and slammed onto the tile floor. I couldn't see anything in the dark room and as I felt a sharp blade cut into the side of my face, I felt myself slipping out of consciousness.

I awoke in my bed with the morning sun shining like ribbons of gold through the window and illuminating the entire room. The nightmare was I had experienced still had me sweating as I managed to force myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I glanced over into the mirror and realized how pale I was. I had been assuring myself I would go to the beach and get a tan for the past week but I was exceedingly pale from what I remembered from yesterday. It was at that moment I noticed that there had been a dripping noise coming from the bathtub.

I cautiously reached out and move the shower curtain to the side and dropped to my knees from what I saw.

There was a rope hanging from the ceiling and there was a body hanging upside down from it. The arms had been splintered off and were laying in the bottom of the tub which was stained a light red from the blood. There was a grin cut into her face and a razorblade lodged in her teeth.

It was me.

I glanced up to the wall of the tub and there were words written in blood on the back of the tub.


"Avez-vous peur du sombre?"




Well, didn't turn out exactly how I thought it would. /: Regardless, what do you guys think? I'm always looking for feedback!

Later,
-Kumorii
+Kumorii@live.com

PS: I might try and revise 'Curse Of The Virgin Canvas' since I know I could make it so much better. Maybe grow on it a little more. Thoughts?
Very nice. I don't know what Aves-vous peur du sombre means but it's French so that's cool. Here is a poem I wrote in 6th grade, let me know what you think.

For their love of October eve,
They grant their sibling stars upon, to those
Who dress in velvet blouse, and ask
In violet tone.
This poem won me the first prize in English class when I was in seventh grade, although I think we were supposed to write a short story about going to the theme park. I didn't like my 6th grade English class because we were still learning grammar and I prefer learning language through immersion. What do you think?


Sew me soft cloth, for harsh days to come;
Warm while in orchards and easy at farm
Be not brief in craft and wash olive press
I want flawless my vest; both in ways,
And in bless.
That's actually very good!
Especially since you write it in seventh grade.

"Aves-vous peur du sombre" is French and translates to "Are you afraid of the dark?" which is taken from the title which is French for "Fear of the dark".
lol, you have a fascination with gouging eyes out =P
That was really tongue-in-cheek humor from finding out about 6bslash27, but thanks! I recently found some old notebook and apparently I wrote these poems years ago. In any case, your story is good, I think there are a few words you used "wrong", which I'll comment about when I get home in about 30 minutes.
Okay, here are my comments for the first paragraph. Take anything I say with a grain of salt. English ain't my native tongue and I'm not a good writer or anything like that (I don't think I ever wrote a story or anything). Anyhow:

This being a horror story, the sentences could be more to-the-point, and the paragraph should probably be written in first person. I also think you can avoid mentioning "serial killer", it's just personal taste, but it feels like this ruins the atmosphere a little. A few specific sentences bother me:

The silence in the room had been unwavering for what felt like hours.

It's odd to say silence is "unwavering", I think you meant to say the silence persisted.

My breathing grew shallow as I heard the footsteps moving toward my corner of the room.

The protagonist was intentionally concealing her breath; it makes more sense to have her as the subject.

Head colliding with the wall

Head colliding with the wall is a bit...lol, for various reasons. Maybe replace with something else?

Here is my attempt to rewrite the paragraph "to my liking". Let me know if you agree with my changes:

"The pitch-black room had been silent for what felt like hours. A blackout struck at midnight. Loud footsteps moving toward me - no, towards my corner of the room. Can't see a thing. I conceal my breath, avoiding "it". Crouching, stepping away. Careful--

--Thud. A dull sound. Inadvertent sound. Sound of a heel hitting the wall. My heel. Sweat running down my forehead.

... Am I going to die?"

I don't know if this is any better, but take of it what you will!
One of the members of A Skylit Drive is a friend of my girlfriend's, and the one who had sex with Jeffree Star (Corey Laquai?) went to my high school.