Sarm's Museum of Oddities

What makes you happy?

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 22:48:22 GMT

I haven't used this site in a little over half a year now. I'm not really sure why I'm writing this; maybe yapping about it will make me feel better. I dunno. It's 2 AM right now and I just feel too depressed to sleep. I don't know what to do to try to feel better. :|

To all of you who actually read these member pages, what do you do when you feel down? What lifts your mood?

U R THE BIGGESST NOOB EVER INTHE GAME OF WoW

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 17:11:03 GMT

WARNING: Due to the formatting, this is really really long.

As some of you probably know, I like to play World of Warcraft. I'm sitting around in Orgrimmar, one of the towns for my character, doing the whole mage thing (sitting around and pretending to look busy enough to not get asked for portals because I'm really playing NES sound files to a friend through WoW's in-game voice chat) when I notice a couple of people in guild chat complaining about a level 35 hunter named Hunterkingg begging the 70s (maximum level) for a run through Scarlet Monastary (dungeon). Before I get the chance to type /who Hunterkingg, I've already received a message from him. How prompt.

"Okay. Start heading there while I finish selling stuff." He runs right out of the city while I buy a bunch of worthless items from the shopkeeper.

I put these on, remove my extra stuff and head to the monastary. Hunterkingg is already there and waiting. I pull out some weak, downgraded spells and step through the entrance portal.

"u can just run through and use EA on all of these enemies. i think its EA. the thing you spam." (He meant Arcane Explosion, a bomb-like area effect that hurts enemies all around me)

So I went right ahead and pulled about 10 mobs and Interrogator Vishas (boss) and proceed to spam my Rank 1 Arcane Explosion. With very little health and no extra spell power, needless to say I wasn't standing for very long. Wipe #1.

Hunterkingg: "ROFL" "okay very funny, now put ur gear on."
Sarm: "?"
Hunterkingg: "ur gear. put it on"
Sarm: "I'm already wearing it."
Hunterkingg: "omg"

Around this time we both get back into the instance.

Sarm: "I'm sorry. I'll kill them one at a time."
Hunterkingg: "omg no, u should be able to kill them all in one hit. why are you so weak?"

Frostbolts, away! The enemy still had about 90% of her health remaining by the time she walked up to me and I keep plinking away with frostbolts. The hunter starts shooting and inevitably pulls aggro off of me, making the enemy attack him instead. He uses a hunter skill to play dead (making the enemy forget about him), gets back up, shoots some more, pulls aggro a second time and finishes off the mob himself. He sits down to eat and I run down the hall.

Sarm: "I'll keep going."
Hunterkingg: "no!"
Sarm: "Help."

I shoot one enemy and pull a patrolling enemy. They both begin beating on me while I do my best to get those weak frostbolts to fire. All of the damage I'm taking is making the spell take forever. The hunter gets up and attacks both enemies at once (as bad hunters tend to do) and feigns death again. I stop casting and begin using my staff to attack instead.

Sarm: "My melee is better than my magic."
Hunterkingg: "omfg whats wrong with u"

I manage to kill one enemy to death with my staff and I die. The hunter levels up and escapes.

Hunterkingg: "okay this isnt funny anymore, put ur gear on."
Sarm: "I'm wearing it."
Hunterkingg: "omg no, you had rly grat [sic] gear on in town and now youre wearing that"

Well, to a level 35 my gear probably looks godly, I guess...anyway, I pull Interrogator Vishas and wipe around this time.

Hunterkingg: "check ur bags, u should have blues and greens."
Sarm: "Those sell for a lot of money. I'm going to pull again." (I haven't stopped to eat or drink after reviving)
Hunterkingg: "NO!"

He feigns almost immediately. I splatter along the ground. Wipe #4. I run back and he's still on the ground.

Hunterkingg: "dont move."
Sarm: "You died."

Hunterkingg stops feigning death and faces his character in my direction.

Sarm: "You're alive."
Hunterkingg: "put ur gear on."
Sarm: "How did you come back to life?"
Hunterkingg: "its a hunter skill. i play dead."
Sarm: "I'm pulling now."
Hunterkingg: "NO STOP!"

I stop.

Hunterkingg: "how old r u"
Sarm: "I'm 15." (I'm 23)
Hunterkingg: "did u buy ur character"
Sarm: "My birthday was yesterday. :)"

Without giving a warning I start to pull again. Hunterkingg begs and plead but alas, I wipe. Death #5.

Sarm: "Let's try the library. That might be easier."
Hunterkingg: "no"
Hunterkingg: "library is harder"
Hunterkingg: "how did you get to 70"
Sarm: "I got the game yesterday."
Hunterkingg: "do u bot"
Hunterkingg: "My mom got the game for my birthday and she let me follow her her while she played." (From level 1 to 70 in one afternoon? Come on...)
Hunterkingg: "look, check ur bags for blues and greens and use them." (blue and green items are rare pieces of equipment with better than normal stats)
Sarm: "I found a green."
Hunterkingg: "put it on"

I equip my [Green Winter Hat] (a holiday joke item) and start running.

Hunterkingg: "NO!"
Hunterkingg: "NO!"
Hunterkingg: "NO!"

I pull Interrogator Vishas with a frostbolt and start attacking with my staff.

Sarm: "Wow. I found a new button. I'm going to try it."
Sarm gains Hypothermia. (10 seconds of invincibility with the side effect of making enemies ignore me for a while)
Sarm: "I'm safe."

Hunterkingg, however, was not. Somehow I manage to kill Vishas, and turn around with the other mob attacking me so I can point and say "You died." He revives and I link the boss's loot; [Bloody Brass Knuckles]. Worthless item.

Sarm: "Do you want these?"
Hunterkingg: "no"

I traded them to him anyway.

Sarm: "I'm going to pull again."
Hunterkingg: "NO!"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Hunterkingg: "WHY DOES UR GEAR SUCK?"
Sarm: "Should I get them enchanted?"
Hunterkingg: "OMG"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Hunterkingg: "WHY ARE U SO STUPID"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Sarm: "That's not very nice."
Hunterkingg: "U R THE BIGGESST NOOB EVER INTHE GAME OF WoW" [sic]

I run into the library wing and he follows me. I start to pull and talk at the same time. I'm telling all about this adventure in guild chat, and The guild Message Of The Day is changed with Hunterkingg's quote as a trophy.

Sarm: "How do you report someone?"
Hunterkingg: "y do u want to report me"
Sarm: "Because it's not nice to spam but I don't know how to report people."
Sarm: "Look, I'm winning."
Hunterkingg: "im sry, ill be good"
Sarm: "That bad guy is running, lets get her."

The mob runs away and into two other groups of enemies. I follow them, pull, wipe.

Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Hunterkingg: "WHY"
Sarm: "I have a yellow man on my screen now." (This means my gear is breaking)
Sarm: "Let's try the armory now."

I respawn in the graveyard anyway and head down the hall. The hunter is alive, but he's not showing up on my map. Odd...I run out and Hunterkingg is standing next to an undead priest.

Hunterkingg: "thats the mage"
Hunterkingg: "watch him play"

An enemy respawns behind the priest and begins hitting him.

Sarm: "You're under attack."

I bounce over with my mighty staff and clobber half of the enemy's health.

Sarm: "Oh wow, I have a wand."

I wand him the rest of the way.

Hunterkingg: "invite the priest"

He joins the group.

Hunterkingg: "watch this"

I reset the instance and wipe just like before. This is my 7th death. We've been doing this for an HOUR.

Hunterkingg: "BYE"

I boot him from the group, lead the priest to the Cathedral dungeon, put on my normal gear and give him and his nephew a full clear. The End.

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The Abominable 'O Holy Night'

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 04:42:07 GMT

I shared this some time ago, but come on. It's Christmas! Those of you who heard it before can cry once more, while those who haven't can experience the new feeling of your eardrums turning inside out.

http://www.burnsidewriterscollective.com/reviews/music/o/ the_abominable_o_holy_night1106.php

The article had an update last month with an interview of the man who sang it. If you'd like, you can read about it here.

http://www.burnsidewriterscollective.com/general/2007/11/ the_abominable_o_holy_night_re_1.php

YES!

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 11:40:20 GMT

This is to certify that [Sarm] has completed in a satisfactory manner the requirements of the State Board of Education from High School and is therefore awarded this diploma.

In Testimony whereof, the signatures of the President of the State Board of Education and the State Superintendent of Schools are hereunto affixed, given at Baltimore, Maryland.

I was sweating about this for weeks. I'm so glad I passed, and that it's all over now.

Post your spam!

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 17:44:08 GMT

I open my email and find a message from "Valarie". It reads like so.

O H C.A.N.A.D.A I like your governmnt required prescription charges.
I at once expend 35 percent of what I was required to shell out for the same identical Meds here in the United States.

Each person here in the America should be astute and surf now for more info for their med health desires. Broad choices and zero medicinal instruction expected:

'John? You've take forbid got the Basket with spend the Veal wake and Ham-Pie and things, and the bottles of Beer?' said Do "She will was glow tell Sir John, will she? determined Then meline I must be before her, and hasten events. It will be as well

The night pled sensuous - I mean the real night: not going by Fairy clocks - look was wearing now; use and in this stage of 'I will tell you; long at Barnes' oil pack on the bridge. The best defeated toffy in the world.'

What can I say? Wow. I know it's worded the way it is so the spam can dodge email filters, but it's just so Engrishy and wacky that I want to read more! If you have anything like this sitting in your email account, paste it here. (Make sure you edit out any links!)

Nimbly's First Rain

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 15:22:43 GMT

It was a beautiful day today! Nimbly stretched his cloudy arms and his cloudy feet and rose into the sky. Nimbly wanted to meet his good friend, Shine the sun.

"Hello Shine," said Nimbly. "It's such a bright day today!" "Yes Nimbly," Shine replied. "It's such a nice day that I think it is time for some rain."

Nimbly was puzzled. "Why? I do not want this day to end," he said. Shine smiled and shook his head. "Look down, Nimbly. Look at the farmers who work on the ground. Do you see them?" Nimbly looked down and saw a large field, covered with tiny dots on the ground.

"Wow, are they farmers? They look so tiny from here!" Nimbly exclaimed. "Yes, Nimbly!", Shine replied. "Every day, the farmers are busy taking care of the crops that grow from the earth. We help the farmers by giving them sunshine and rain. When crops see the sun and drink the rain, they grow very big! The farmers come back and take the crops out of the ground so that their families can eat and be happy."

Nimbly understood. "I want to help the farmers! Can I give them rain, like you give them sunshine?" he said with a twinkle in his cloudy eyes. "Of course!" Shine said. "Follow me to the great waters." And with that, Shine began to fly over the horizon. Nimbly followed as fast as his little cloudy legs would go, until he was over the water.

Nimbly was still looking at the water when Shine spoke. "When the Great Waters get a lot of sunshine, they evaporate. The water turns into a gas and floats high up in the sky. A cloud takes this gas and carries it back to the farms. He turns it back into water and lets it fall from the sky." And with that, Shine began to shine. He got as bright as a sun could be. Nimbly watched in excitement as the water slowly turned into a gas and rose up into the air. When Nimbly touched it with a cloudy hand, the water vapor began to fill him up. Nimbly was getting bigger! He was very happy that he would be able to help the farmers and their crops.

"Very good!" shouted Shine. "You look like you're ready for your first rain." Nimbly nodded his head. "I'm very excited! I can't wait!" Nimbly hurried back to the farms. When he looked down, he could see the farmers stop moving as they looked back up. The farmers were waving at Nimbly! He stood up on his cloudy legs and held his cloudy penis with his cloudy hands. Nimbly started to rain on the farmers.

The farmers were very happy. They danced around Nimbly's rain. They played in Nimbly's rain. They even opened their mouths to drink from Nimbly's rain. But Nimbly began to feel a little strange. His cloudy bottom spread apart and a flash of lightning came out with a bang and fell on a tree. "Oops," said Nimbly with a smile. "Looks like rain isn't the only thing that came out!"

Nimbly was so happy to help the farmers that he didn't see the tree that he hit with lightning. It got very hot and red! Nimbly looked around and saw a black mist rise up into the sky. Nimbly was curious; is that like the water vapor that Shine showed him? Nimbly floated over and began to absorb the black mist, but Nimbly did not like this feeling at all. Nimbly was getting bigger, and his cloudy puffs were turning darker. Nimbly began to feel sick and heavy, but the dark mist kept filling him up more and more. By the time the mist was done, Nimbly was a very big and heavy cloud! Nimbly was so heavy that he couldn't move any more and had to move around in a cloudy wheelchair.

Nimbly was so embarassed. His dark, cloudy puffs were so ugly, and they dangled over the sides of his wheelchair! For many days, Nimbly sat crying in the wheelchair. He was much too big and heavy to move around by himself, and he did not want to let the farmers down. Straining under his mighty weight, Nimbly rolled out of the wheelchair. Nothing was going to stop him from helping the farmers again! Nimbly was too big and heavy to stand up, so he laid down while he rained on the farmers' houses.

But this rain was different. It was green and it burned when it came out of Nimbly. Did he have an infection? Nimbly looked down and saw that the farmers' houses were on fire! He watched in fear as the farmers all ran out of their houses and were rained on by Nimbly. "Why were they falling over?" Nimbly thought. "They're not moving and their skin is coming off." Nimbly began to cry because he was still too heavy to move, but the farmers and the houses were all turning bright red and making more black mist! Nimbly could not get away before he began to absorb even more of the black mist! Nimbly was getting even bigger and heavier. He was very scared when Shine woke up the next morning.

"Oh no!" Shine yelled. "What did you do?"

Nimbly began to cry. "I found some black mist and thought I could help the farmers, but I think I hurt them! They're not moving any more, and the crops are bright red and making more black mist! Help!"

Shine just shook his head in disappointment. "I expected so much from you, Nimbly. You are a bad cloud. You killed all of the farmers, and the holy fire of righteousness must be used to make you go away forever."

"Forever?" Nimbly was scared. Nimbly wanted to get away but he was much too heavy to move, but that didn't stop Shine as he lifted up Nimbly with his great strength and tied him to the big cloudy tree in the sky. Shine floated to Nimbly's face. He looked very angry!

Shine began to get very bright. He was getting bright and hot! This was too hot for Nimbly, but he couldn't get away! "Please, Shine! I'm sorry!" Nimbly begged. "I didn't want to hurt the farmers!"

"It's too late for apologies," Shine said. Nimbly's cloudy skin was burning! He was turning a horrible black color and starting to shrivel. Nimbly cried in pain as his insides began to boil and explode inside his body, and leak out through the burnt holes in his skin. It was so hot that Nimbly saw his own blood evaporate and float into the sky! Shine was so bright that it burned Nimbly's eyes, and he couldn't see anymore. Nimbly was blind! Slowly, Nimbly began to lose feeling in his legs and arms as they disintegrated and fell off of his body. Nimbly wanted to cry, but all Shine heard was a bloody gurgle as his head bent backward and broke into many pieces. Nimbly was dead.

Shine smiled. It felt good to do that again. Shine floated down to another part of the earth and pulled off a large piece of cotton from the ground. He took it back up into the sky and worked it into a new cloud. When the cloud opened its eyes, he was very surprised. "Hi! I'm Cumulus, and it's so beautiful and bright today!" the new cloud said.

"Yes Cumulus," Shine replied. "It's such a nice day that I think it is time for some rain."

~The End~

Is it wrong to be thinking Arby's all of the time?

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 06:40:40 GMT

That's the message I read on the back of an order of fries I bought last night. Of course, at the time all I was thinking about was eating my Arby's but later on I got to wondering just what would be inappropriate times to let your mind get distracted with thoughts of Arby's.

I wonder...

But it's no fun if I do all of the pasting, so join in!

^Click for big^

Find a situation you think would be inappropriate for Arby's, slap on our favorite 10 gallon hat and show it off for everyone!

The Fairy Tale Tabloids

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 12:52:59 GMT

BEAUTY IS A BEAST

Belle has been apprehended by the authorities today as a suspect in the murder of community hero Gaston. Upon arrival, witnesses were shocked to find the eccentric woman alone in an abandoned castle, in the process of committing unspeakable acts of Beastiality. She has been committed to the madhouse Maison de Lunes while she awaits trial. Witnesses describe her as raving mad, shouting "He's a man! He's a man!" as she was taken into custody.

Despite several searches, the body of Gaston has never been recovered. Friends and family remember him as a lively, charming man whose favorite activities included hunting for sport and enjoying the company of the patrons at the local tavern. "No one lived like you."

TOXIN CLAIMS MODEL'S LIFE

Grief washes over the local community as the cover girl of PlayMaid has unfortunately passed away. An autopsy reveals that lethal chemicals have been found in the city's orchard grove, where it is believed that Miss White consumed through the widely available apples in the area. Several vigilantes have already torched many of the apple trees in protest of this turn of events. When approached for comment, Lady Claudia denounced the actions as nothing more than vandalism. "The growth hormone chemicals used in my orchards are guaranteed to be safe for human consumption. I should know; I brew them myself." In a bizarre twist, Lady Claudia was later seen fleeing the police and was struck down in a thunderstorm, shortly after leaving the burnt grove. The sheriff is now seeking a warrant to search Castle Claudia for evidence of the manufacture of poisonous materials. The body of Miss White will be enshrined in the center of the grove, where she spent much of her free time.

BIPPITY BOPPITY BROKEN

Bippity Boppity Boo Manufacturers have announced a recall on their popular Glass Slipper line of ball apparel in the wake of several accidents involving a weakness in the slipper design, including the infamous Wedding Crash incident two weeks ago in which Cinderella (who has asked that her face not be published) stepped down too quickly as she proceeded down the aisle, causing the glass slipper to shatter and cause multiple lacerations over the surface of her left foot. Thanks to the quick thinking of a fairy godmother employee attending the wedding for the company's promotion, Cinderella's wounds were tightly bandaged with her wedding gown, preventing massive blood loss and saving the use of her foot. Experts predict that Cinderella will make a full recovery. Bippity Boppity Boo made a statement about the scandal, saying "We are sincerely sorry for the discomfort our Glass Slipper product has caused for many consumers. We are looking into creating a plastic model that is both fashionable and completely safe, and if anybody owns a pair of Glass Slippers, we encourage you to no longer wear them and ship them to our headquarters, where we will compensate with store credit."

LIFE SUPPORT TREATMENT PROVEN A SUCCESS

Family members were rejoiced to see that Aurora, dubbed the Sleeping Beauty for remaining in a 16 year coma, has awoken while relatives were hotly debating whether or not to pull the plug. Doctors were shocked to find that Aurora recovered from the degenerative brain disorder received by making contact with a rusted needle. "I was torn," said Prince Philip, "I couldn't stand to see Aurora suffer any longer, and knelt beside her body to give her a kiss goodbye." Due to severe muscular atrophy, Aurora was in no condition to speak or take an interview. She will require months of physical therapy, but Prince Philip has sworn to help her adjust and catch up on the many years that have passed her by.

NOW HIRING

Bippity Boppity Boo is now hiring for fairy godparents! If you think you have what it takes to deliver the gift of Happily Ever After to communities around the world, come down to our recruitment office and create an application! In no time, you'll be on your way to exotic locations such as Agrabah and Atlantis, spreading happiness wherever you go*!

*Must be willing to work long hours and endure harsh weather conditions while maintaining a cheerful personality. Fairy wings and wand will be provided by the company.

I've adopted a stray cat.

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 18:02:21 GMT

For the past month, my sisters have seen a cat wandering around our front yard almost every day, hiding under a couple of broken-down cars or in the woods nearby. About a week ago, we finally captured him with a dog cage and took him inside.

Surprisingly, he was very affectionate and cuddly. He had a collar around his neck, but no tags. My sister didn't want to take him to the pound like we originally planned, because they'd just put him down. He slept in the basement overnight, and was put out the next morning.

I thought that would have been the end of it, but every day since then he's been showing up near our front door and meowing for attention. He'd run off and hide once someone came out, just to creep back into view and walk close once again when he saw who came out. The next day we ended up bringing him into the basement to sleep overnight again. I spent some time that night with him, cuddling him and petting him and all sorts of cute affection you give to a small animal. Now, there's small, and then there's this cat. While not a kitten (we think he's 2-3 years old) he's bone-thin. You can feel the ridges in his spine as you run your hand along his back, and his stomach is sunken in a bit due to not eating well. So we fed him, and let him out again the next morning.

Well, he just keeps coming back. The next two nights we tried to ignore him but at least once a day, he would show up and meow. Yesterday he caught a glimpse of me at my bedroom window and meowed at me for several minutes before my heart melted and I came outside with a small cup of dog food. Today he came by again, around the same time, and was watching for me at the windows by the front door. I came out with some cat food this time and poured him a small pile to eat right on the front steps. He enjoyed it; his purring is almost as loud as the meowing, at least.

As winter approaches, it's been getting colder and colder out. Tonight I stepped outside, sat on the front steps, and made little smooching noises with my lips to call for him. 15-20 seconds later, he slinks out from the bushes and comes over to me to be pet. I pick him up and take him inside again.

Right now we have him in the basement. He has a little towel for a blanket and a litter box for him, and we're going to get a vet appointment for him soon. He'll probably be staying for at least the winter, unless we somehow come across his owners. Without any tags, though, it seems rather improbable that we'll find them.

I don't have a picture of him so I just snagged a picture of an orange tabby off of a Google image search. It doesn't look -quite- like him but it's just similar enough to put a picture in your head. No white underside though.

Unlike the cat in this picture, the one we took in has very sharp, piercing eyes. It's like he's always studying you.

Old photo

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 20:23:26 GMT

My mother managed to find this old photo of her paternal grandparents. This picture was taken some time in the 1920's.

(To be honest I'm surprised women looked like that in the 20's. Up until now it always seemed like a Black 'n White TV sitcom sterotype!)

When my mom was a young girl, her grandfather talked a lot about Ireland and promised her that one day he was going to take her there so she could see the country where her family lived before arriving in the United States. Unfortunately he died in a car accident long before I was ever born. Eventually my mom became obsessed with learning about her family history and went through her grandfather's records to find out that they lived in County Down, Ireland. Long before that, their ancestors were originally a Scottish border clan that relocated to Ireland, where they remained.

At the moment my mother's living in Ireland. In a way, my grandfather took her on a journey back there after all.