Intro story. in Off Topic
As you stand before the immense being, you shake slightly, knowing that you have trodden into territory that you should not have.
The one true Being that commands all attention, you look down at your feet struggling to take his gaze, His voice booms echoing across the room.
With a clash of lightning everything blurs before your eyes and soaring pain shoots through your body
until darkness engulfs all that you are.
Your body torn asunder, blood spilling out over the floor
your hazy view focus's for a moment to your surroundings,
the patter of rain falling hard against your torn flesh, you begin to hear a muffled sound from afar
either by the temperament of the rain or gut wrenching pain throughout your body, without notice the sound had increased several fold
our eyes glaze over and then open again re adjusting to the sound
You begin to learn the sounds origins as grotesque creatures slowly sludge towards you, edging closer and closer.
through gazeing at your own hand it becomes clear that your body cannot last
as you use the remaining energy in a failed attempt your arm slumps as it hits the ground
as the world begins to spin into a dizzyness of pain you resign yourself to death
You begin to open your eyes as you wake from what you thought would be your last breath, to your surprise your surroundings had changed once again
you turn your head to examine the room and feel the texture of the material that you are lying on, you're in a fine bed, comfortable and warm, with barely a scratch on you.
But.. who am i? why was i punished .. and what will i do now
To be continued.....
This is... kind of okay. But it needs a hell of a lot of work to sounds decent. You have a major problem with run-ons, and it looks like you didn't even do a basic spellcheck before you posted it.
why? because he had nothing better to do with him time than analyze every line you wrote? and half his suggestions are pretty much useless and make little to no difference?
I'm pretty sure only snobs actually use the word snob and i'm sorry but some of your suggestions were a bit pointless.The fact the you analyzed every single line also leans towards the snobby factor =/ sorry pal
and as you don't seem like a complete idiot I'd imagine you realize that your actually on the internet and some trolling is expected...just saying.