I'll just go sentence-by-sentence and point out a few places where things could be better, as necessary.

As you stand before the immense being, you shake slightly, knowing that you have trodden into territory that you should not have.

Cut "as" from this sentence. It serves no purpose. Also, get rid of the first comma as it's unnecessary.

The one true Being that commands all attention, you look down at your feet struggling to take his gaze, His voice booms echoing across the room.

This sentence is... awkward. It sounds like an incomplete statement. I think the biggest problem is the "that" in the.

With a clash of lightning everything blurs before your eyes and soaring pain shoots through your body

The "blurs before your eyes" line implies the blur is coming from outside the body, while the rest of the line implies it's coming from within. I would change it.

until darkness engulfs all that you are.

This line is just... bad. I would exclude it or heavily, heavily rewrite it.

Also, the next line is one very long run-on, without a good reason. Cut it up.

Your body torn asunder, blood spilling out over the floor

"Torn asunder" means, literally, "torn apart" in a "limb-from-limb" sense. If you can still focus, you're still alive, so I get the feeling you want a different phrase here.

your hazy view focus's for a moment to your surroundings,

I'd break this into a new sentence, and I'd switch "hazy view" to "eyes", as it's not the view that's focusing. Furthermore, it's 'focuses' as 'focus' is not possessing anything.

the patter of rain falling hard against your torn flesh, you begin to hear a muffled sound from afar

Break this into a new sentence and rewrite it.

either by the temperament of the rain or gut wrenching pain throughout your body, without notice the sound had increased several fold

Because of the run-on nature of the paragraph, the first part of this makes no sense and it's hard to realize it ties in with the second part. Once again, make this a new sentence. I'd heavily suggest rewriting the first part, too, as it's not that good.

our eyes glaze over and then open again re adjusting to the sound

Glaze over in this context typically means 'lose focus' or 'daze out', not that your eyes literally shut, so they shouldn't be opening again.

You begin to learn the sounds origins as grotesque creatures slowly sludge towards you, edging closer and closer.

Show, don't tell. Cut out the first part entirely. A reader can connect the sounds mentioned before with the creatures shown now. The only time you should to tell the reader something, at least in this case, is if the sound wasn't coming from them, and even then there are better ways than outright telling them. Also, completely cut the second part out. It serves no purpose.

Lastly, while this is a novel use of the word 'sludge', it isn't a very good one. I'd replace it with a more apt word, and also answer the question of why they were moving fast a moment ago and slowly now, when there's no apparent reason.

through gazeing at your own hand it becomes clear that your body cannot last

Firstly, 'though' and 'gazing'. Secondly, why does it become clear? You don't even need to say it's clear. Say what makes it clear.

as you use the remaining energy in a failed attempt your arm slumps as it hits the ground

And here's the why! Just get rid of the previous sentence entirely, and state this, but rewritten slightly to sound better.

as the world begins to spin into a dizzyness of pain you resign yourself to death

Break this into a new sentence.

You begin to open your eyes as you wake from what you thought would be your last breath, to your surprise your surroundings had changed once again

Put this into a new paragraph.

you turn your head to examine the room and feel the texture of the material that you are lying on, you're in a fine bed, comfortable and warm, with barely a scratch on you.

Once again, you have a big problem with run-ons. Break all this up a lot.

But.. who am i? why was i punished .. and what will i do now

An ellipsis is three dots. Also, the amnesia bit is old and worn out. I'd cut it if you have no good reason. And why was this punishment? You give no reason as why this is punishment instead of a nightmare.

To be continued.....

Once again, three dots. And never, ever put this in the same line as your last sentence. That's just... bad.

This is... kind of okay. But it needs a hell of a lot of work to sounds decent. You have a major problem with run-ons, and it looks like you didn't even do a basic spellcheck before you posted it.
In response to Popisfizzy (#20)

This is... kind of okay. But it needs a hell of a lot of work to sounds decent. You have a major problem with run-ons, and it looks like you didn't even do a basic spellcheck before you posted it.

Sound*. I'm sure that was a mistake though. Ehh good job on correcting a lot of these things, a lot of this story just feels extremely "awkward" as you said. However, good job Teka the whole concept sounds good, just needs work.
Lol Thanks Pop, now i feel frightened of you, I wrote it in notepad lol, so yeah no spell checker in that thing.

I am a pretty terrible writer, so thank you for your thorough examination, ill try to doctor it up soon.

Ty as well Cuban :)
In response to Teka123 (#22)
why? because he had nothing better to do with him time than analyze every line you wrote? and half his suggestions are pretty much useless and make little to no difference?
In response to MechaCloud (#23)
MechaCloud wrote:
why? because he had nothing better to do with him time than analyze every line you wrote? and half his suggestions are pretty much useless and make little to no difference?

How dare someone provide constructive criticism to something someone posted to ask for criticism on. What kind of snob does something a person kindly asked for? How about we insult that bastard!
I'm pretty sure only snobs actually use the word snob and i'm sorry but some of your suggestions were a bit pointless.The fact the you analyzed every single line also leans towards the snobby factor =/ sorry pal
Actually everything Popisfizzy said is relevant. The story has potential but its riddled with errors. I read it over, but was too lazy to do what he did. There is nothing condescending in anything he wrote.
In response to MechaCloud (#25)
I pointed out where there were errors. There were a lot of them. It just wasn't good writing. But if half of my problems were pointless, please list half of them and why they were pointless. I'd like to see where your hyperbole ends and reality begins.
In response to MechaCloud (#25)
MechaCloud wrote:
I'm pretty sure only snobs actually use the word snob and i'm sorry but some of your suggestions were a bit pointless.The fact the you analyzed every single line also leans towards the snobby factor =/ sorry pal

I'm pretty sure both of your posts here are pointless.
I'm sorry but multiple times you say things need to be changed or re-written (heavily) used once or twice but offer absolutely no alternative. What is that if not pointless and useless...<---see that... 3 dot ;D
and as you don't seem like a complete idiot I'd imagine you realize that your actually on the internet and some trolling is expected...just saying.
In response to MechaCloud (#30)
MechaCloud wrote:
and as you don't seem like a complete idiot I'd imagine you realize that your actually on the internet and some trolling is expected...just saying.

http://lol.i.trollyou.com/
You find yourself standing before an immense being, your knees trembling. The backlash from your step into forbidden territory has finally arrived. With one utter of his voice, he sends all that you are tearing through the very fabric of time and space.

You awaken in unfamiliar territory. Pain shoots through your body so intense that all your senses are nearly muted. After a time spent like this, you faintly hear footsteps in the distance.

You pool all of your energy to try and stand, but collapse back down in utter defeat. As the figure approaches, you resign yourself to death.

"How pathetic I am", you think to yourself.

You close your eyes and wait for the end.

You wait for the pain, but it never comes. You open your eyes to find that your surroundings have changed once again. Feebly turning your head, you realize you are now in an inn of some sort.

You chuckle to yourself, not fully comprehending how you got here, but knowing just how close you came to meeting your end.

"What now?" you mutter quietly, as you fall into a deep slumber.


Page: 1 2