Robert's BYOND Page

The Life & Times of Robert Kline.

Born unto poverty in a small rural neighborhood in eastern Pennsylvania to two Dutch immigrant parents, Robert came running out of the womb with near Jesse Owens like speed on the eve of April 20th, 1938. Before the doctor could get a handle on young Robert, he was already galavanting around the labor room, trying to sneak peeks up the nurses skirts. When the doctor approached Robert to stop him from misbehaving, he jumped up and struck the doctor in the face and uttered his first words... "You're my bitch now, whitey" and ran out laughing as he frightened all the other patrons of the maternity ward. The journey home from the hospital was no less trying for Robert's parents, as they were subjected to him airing his penis out the window like a Dog would with his tongue, at all of the female motorists, and passers by.
Childhood wasn't easy for juvenile Robert, as he had many friend who were jealous of him and his exceptional skills at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game, and the fact that said skills were responsible for Robert stealing each one of the kids at the arcade's young girlfriends. Soon, they began to hate Robert, and he did what any normal child facing persecution would. He gathered all of the haters together and told them he'd like to apologize for taking their women, no sooner did the haters realize that this was just a ploy, and Robert had already begun delivering Roundhouse kicks to the jaws of each opposer, as if he was Chuck Norris himself. After that fateful day, no child of any age would ever cross or question Robert again, causing all the girls he had stolen to constantly throw themselves at him, to their surprise, he wanted nothing of them rather than for them to pay him 5 dollars for him to masturbate and ejaculate on their face and send them away.
But, although no child would dare step to Robert, this soon changed when 1942 came around, and Robert finally found an adversary he couldn't just up and Bitch Slap or Roundhouse kick... This was the ficticious Uncle Sam, and he had drafted Robert to World War II, to combat against the Nazi scourge and to personally advance the wartime effort, since Robert's killing and bombing endeavors had been spread throughout the country, and even to Washington D.C. where they sought him out personally. After a two-day romp with his two favorite mistresses, a full brothel of Filipino hookers and cheap whiskey, Robert boarded the boat for Lyon, France and was immediately plunged into "The shit" where he spent the longest, deadliest, and most trying 5 and a half hours of his life. He began in a trench just outside of Germany, and led a troop of about 13 men into the capital city of Berlin and personally invaded the Capital building where Adolf Hitler was residing. Now, many historians might tell you that Hitler committed suicide after killing his wife Eva Braun, this however, is false, because I heard from top secret military organizations that Robert actually stormed his way into room where Hitler was cowering in fear, and proceeded to choke Adolf out all the while have wild, passionate sex with Eva Braun in front of his dying eyes. After they had finished and Hitler was no more, Robert decided to spare Eva, for being such a good lay, but she said she needed Robert, and couldn't live without him. He told her "Bitch, you crazy" and ran out and shut the door behind him. Heartbroken, Eva shot herself in the head and shot Hitlers corpse up a few times, out of spite. Robert returned to America a hero, and used all the Nazi Gold he confiscated to buy one of the worlds first computers.
After returning, he started his own business of internet porn sites for females which featured only him, in the same position in front of various different scenes, like beaches, waterfalls, and stone henge... He got an interesting offer from one of the sites most frequent visitors, a girl named Sarah who lived not too far from Robert's family's farm. She said she lusted for his hairy chest and War torn eyes, she patiently waited for his reply. He took a look at all of the photos Sarah sent him, and decided that he was destined to hit this, So he told her that he'd send her a train ticket immediately, and they'd finally meet and live together on his farm, but then things took a turn for the worse when Sarah actually boarded a train to Guadalajara, Mexico... and immediately after getting off the train, was forced to work as a nail salon stylist, because we all know Mexican bitches can't do nails.
Baffled, Robert wondered what had happened of his bride to be, and then he began a 15 year long search spanning the entire United States of america with only her pictures and her name to go on, and the whole time, being completly unsuccessfuly, he was about ready to give up hope. But finally when Robert was on the final leg of his trip in California, he got a break from an Anonymous Acquantiance who just called himself "The Fox". It seems the fox had known about all of the kidnapping in mexico and forcing the women to work for pesos, NOT EVEN DOLLARS, and told Robert that "If there was anywhere she'd be, it'd be in Guadalajara". Robert rewarded The Fox handsomly, because he is a generous nigga, with the rest of his nazi gold, because he felt Sarah was worth all the Nazi gold in the world, and then, Robert set out for Mexico with a foot full of ass kickery.
Mexico was almost impossible for the non-spanish speaking Robert to navigate, but he finally caught a break from a Lousianian' Hick working a Taco stand, who said that a place called 'USA nails' was notorious for good nails, and hot american bitches. Robert loaded up his rocket launcher and kicked the fucking door down, screaming "Robbie's HERE, YOU SPIC FUCKS" and fired a rocket directly into the vat of nail polishing chemicals. While the rocket was in mid-air he noticed that Sarah, was infact working at this place, and hadn't aged or gotten any less beautiful over the years (Water in Mexico does crazy things), so, he ran over to her, picked her up and leapt out the only window in the building. There were no other survivors. Sarah was amazed and relieved that the man she loved had saved her from that hell of a life, and that resulting explosion, and that he'd still not given up hope for her, so she ripped all his clothes off and mounted him on a mexican beach, and they made sweet passionate love for atleast 13.5 hours. After that they returned to America and the resulting ticker-tape parade celebrating their return. Robert and Sarah were wed by The Fox, who received his pastoral liscence to practice from the church of the Rastafari, while Robert was in mexico. They together moved into Robert's family's farm and had about 5 boys and a daughter, all of which worked Robert's farm for him until he was the proud inventor of the "Assjacket" which made him millions and enabled him to retire comfortably with his Wife, and good for nothing kids. They are both still alive and happy to this day.

Yeah, I paid for a BYOND membership. I'm just cool like that.

I like how BYOND's spell check doesn't recognize BYOND as a word.